My days are turning to thoughts of peanut butter and wish filled Saturdays. Summer evenings leading to quiet nights. Thoughts of a girl forcing reluctant smiles thru out the day.
We only negotiated for a bit. Discussed provisions, leeway, and here say. Walked in circles and forgot questions.
There is a next step and it just has to work. I feel like Ive had my life on hold the last few years. I don’t know whats after the next step. And I’m not sure if that’s because I can’t see beyond the enjoyment the next step should bring or if I really can’t see passed the next step.
Sometimes I count to 3 and let the seconds drift pass. Stare at trees and hope for a wish. Overgrown grass and forgotten sandlots.
Been depressed so long that I can’t properly accept happiness. I spend most the days jumping around the house and smiling for no reason. And this new song I found blows my mind.
I don’t know what I’m writing. This mixture of emotions is a tough drink to swallow. I’m wide awake all the time but find myself asleep 8 hours into the day. Unable to even speak of sadness but I know its there. Afraid to believe its gone when I know it come storm over me so easily.
I did talk to her for an hour or two. Worst nightmare avoided momentarily. I can’t help but soak up her presence. I spent most the time trying to ask her if she read the things I wrote still but I kept getting distracted by her.
Its kind of cold in front of this fan. A little dark under this sky. I feel lost with the destination right around the corner.
I remember going to see the Pistons play in Detroit with my sister. She had me get directions for the trip. And when we started she asked for the way and I simply said “head east, we can’t miss it.”
I do ponder the possibility of meeting this girl and spending the day with her. What will we do? What actions will take place. Are there are good movies playing right now? Is this seriously less then a week away?
I think Coke Zero tastes good. Downtown has too many one way streets. I know of this park with statues in the ground. Around the corner from the art museum. And down the street from the library.
Sometimes I forget to enjoy my own life. Its hard not to enjoy her though. Hard to remember what to say around her. I can always make a list of things I forget to say to her. Like I’m incapable of normal conversation and only saying things like “you have pretty eyes”.
I’m not sure what any of this even means. I can’t decipher my own thoughts anymore. I’m a little broken after all these years. And the extreme change from depression to hope has caused unusual living for me. I have bits and pieces of a plan. Used to be whole but its just broken now.
Ive been sleeping far too much. A little bit of a carry over from that near month long depression. I need to pick up the trash in my room and do things with my life. But I think Ill just keep waiting and waiting.