Sabbatical, metamorphosis, another made up word I can steal from google? This is one of the strangest periods of my life if not the strangest. Comparative to that week after my dad died and I had to figure out what was next for me. Compile a list of places I would probably never go again and kick that part of my life out of my head forever.
That list included my dad’s house (my mom and dad kind of split up a year or two before he died). The car shop thing he worked at. And the dragway he raced at on weekends. Also that part of town where he lived.
This also meant spending most my time at my mom’s (and apparently my brothers apartment). Also some time at my sisters. For some reason this time of my life blends in with my sister’s divorce for some odd reason.
On a random note that is why I have a problem with learning Spanish. When I hear Spanish all I hear is arguments in a language I can’t understand.
Soon after all of this I had to learn how to live with a drunk, etc. Go thru high school, blah blah.
The current state of my life isn’t as action packed but it really only involves my life for once. And to put it simply.
I don’t know what’s next.
Its a grey area as I travel from one place to the next.
It would be easier if I knew what was happening. But in under a month (2 weeks?) Ill be meeting the person Ill be spending the rest of my life with or going completely crazy. And I don’t know how to handle either of those situations.
Like, the first one. I know to kiss the girl and stuff and do couple things like more kissing. But after all the kissing I don’t know what to do. Are we suppose to buy a house or something. Rent a horse and ride it to Mexico. It both baffles and confuses me.
And on the off hand that doesn’t happen (source of so much stress, anxiety, and tears) am I suppose to die, search for a long lost girl, move on with my life?
As far as death goes I picture drowning in a river. Struggling against the water as in how I struggled against life. Searching wise I expect to hitchhike down south and go door to door till I turn 30. And that will mostly like transition to moving on with my life.
Ill probably hitchhike back up to New York or something and become a shiftless hobo. Maybe play some basketball, eat out of trashcans, write about said stuff.
So the next steps in my life are jumping off a bridge, or packing up and leaving home forever. If the girl isn’t real that is.
If you can’t feel my level of stress from where you’re sitting right now then you must not have a pulse.
Mind you my greatest fear is that she would disappear around the time we would meet. Seeing as its been that month leading up to us meeting and I haven’t heard from her at all….
It’s like living your own worst nightmare.
Ive barely been able to live a spec of my life this last year. And right now I can’t live even that. To the point if I have to do something I just don’t do it. I only wake up so I can stay up long enough to fall asleep for 12+ hours. I just try and make days disappear.
Nothing is going to be the same in a few weeks. Everything will be upside down. I just don’t know if ill still be standing when that happens.
How the fuck am I suppose to live like this. I can’t, its not possible. I cannot hold this mess together for once in my life. Save me or deliver me to the end. Wrap me in a box and let the sun set from my eyes. lay me in water so I shall drift to the next shore and to the next empty hands.
I can’t take this.
I can’t bare this burden.
I can’t breathe.
I know her birthday, eye color, height, favorite book, favorite color, favorite clothes, color of her glasses, greatest dreams, greatest fears, her life up to this point, the state of her family, about her parents divorce, about her sister and her wife and plan for a baby, her other sister who sees someone about a sex addiction, what she sees in me, her wants, her needs, her pleasures, her loves.
There is this person somewhere in the world and they know all that is me and I know all that is them. And I just can’t seem to find her.
She knows my birthday, my eye color, my size, favorite book, favorite movie, favorite color, favorite teams, favorite sport and why I play it so much, the color of my glasses, my greatest dreams, my greatest fears, my life up this point, the death of my dad, what I went thru more then anyone else, the times my brother would get drunk and throw beer cans at me, the times I would walk away from home late at night, she knows how I love my niece and nephews, she has read every single thing Ive written on here even if it hurts to her heart.
And there is this person somewhere in the world and they know all that is her and know all that is me. And she just can’t seem to find me.
Its been a crazy 4 years. I just miss her so much. I don’t think I can take losing another person in my life. It can only rain so much and a heart can only break so many times.
“When I was 5 years old, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘a leaf’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
― Meelo”—(via unhandmestrangewoman)
Spent some more time dribbling the ball left and right tonight. Hopping here and over there. Rolling it off my finger into the net.
For so many years have I wish life was a game of basketball. That if I could just get a game of 21 started between me and life I could solve all my problems. Put the ball in my court and watch how all my troubles disappear with each made jumper, every quick layup, and every sneaky tip block.
Late at night when everyone is asleep I lay in bed demanding that life plays me. Demanding that it gives me a chance. Screaming inside my head till the tears roll down my face.
Tonight I was pulling more forgotten talents out from my dreams. Jumping into between the legs dribbles before I came up for fade away jumpers.
And when my ankles hurt, my arms tired. I started to walk away back to a house. I stood half a court away staring at a ball in the driveway. I picked it up slowly and stared at the basket.
And a throw
Then I realize life is just too scared to play me.
A love that lasts like a ball bouncing across the ground. 30 minutes straight of hand to ground.
Walking slowly down the driveway. Dribbling with purpose as I approach my opponent. World resting on my shoulders. Stress filling my lungs. Constant pain running thru me as I set my feet. Softly jump. And release.
Suddenly everything melts away. The weight disappears with gravity. Stress drips from me as the hours pass on. As my legs hurt the pain goes away.
Now I find myself dribbling again as I stare at my old battered opponent. Rim beaten, net ripped, backboard a bruising of marks. Then I break into stride attacking once more.
Attacking over and over again without restraint. Flying thru the air layup after layup. Releasing my pent up legs for the first time in years. May I trip and toss it up, it still goes in. May I take off with such a force as my legs bend up, it still goes in.
Day fades to night but I stand tall, shooting my basketball up into the sky and watching it fall.
I spent the other night smiling constantly at my nephews.
He played one amazing game of baseball. During which he talked to his new found half sister with the biggest smile Ive ever seen.
My other nephew (above nephew’s younger brother) finally started taking responsibility for someone younger then him. There little half sister had so much fun with them.
My sister (there mom, but not of the little girl) spent the game talking with her ex, his wife, and his ex (mother of the little girl). It was almost as if it was so much for her she just let it roll and she was really nice and happy.
The team they were playing (Lakeview) lost real bad to the last Parchment team and was losing bad again. But there players played hard and there fans cheered them on. They hustled and on the Parchment side we cheered for them too.
It was a really good day.
Kind of sad that 3 hours after at home I had a small mental breakdown. You can’t win them all and what not.
I think "Running from within" is the only god thing Ive written lately. Everything else is so sporadic and nonsensical. I can’t rein in my emotions, my feelings, and my thoughts. I want to run, I want to stay, I want escape, and I want her.
I find it hard to talk about straight forward. How do you say “yeah this girl I love is graduation from high school in a few weeks and I don’t know how we’re going to meet face to face for the first time.”
A lot of old memories come back via feelings, no exact memories. And it just hurts my chest till I can’t breathe and I want to throw up.
What if this is all a big lie? Ive fought so hard to believe the truth that is her. But that doubt loves to linger in the back of my mind (far out of my own control). Sinks to my stomach and rots me out from the inside. Spitting up black blood and coughing up a future.
I have to wait a little more. Ive waited over 4 years (Ive lost count at this point). And I have to wait a little longer. But at this point I’m at the threshold of life with this girl (if she exists) and death (if she doesn’t).
I don’t really have a plan for what happens if this all falls apart. Maybe wait for emotions to take over and drive off a bridge. Hitchhike to New York. Maybe just walk to a basketball court and shoot for 10 hours straight.
I don’t really know what my life will be in the next 4 weeks.
I want to throw up in the worst way. I can feel every single pain that I know in my stomach right now. I need to let it out as I lay against a dirty toilet. Drop my soul and flush it away.
Driving in circles around my house a little after midnight. Halfway back and it hits me full on. Pain, anguish, cuts, blood, and scars. What more to say then everything hurts with fierceness.
In reality happiness is all so close. But when have I ever lived in that world.
Do I turn to anger in the people around her? Punch walls over the fact no one helps me talk to her?
Do I turn to tears over the emptiness all around me? Stare at the wall for a bit?
Do I turn up the music a bit and be distracted forever? Get lost in loud music and video games?
I could always turn to a worst depression. Live a little more. Let life push me down some more. See some more of my family and let them tell me negative things about my life.
I could cut my throat and bleed out a slow death. Tie a noose and fall from my soul. Drive off into the river and get lost in my darkness.
I never did well with those team building trust drills. The foreboding feeling of knowing Ill eventually be let down. Forgotten, let go of, pushed away. No one shares the weight, I hold my world on my own.
I think I’m leaning toward anger again. Yells and body blows to the holding cell around me. Banging bats against the chains and pulling on the bars.
How sad is that I’m weeks from release but pounding on the for mercy via death.
I think its sadder that I stood thru most of this on my own.
People came and went. All helped some. But all are gone now. And thru most of this Ive just been standing in a hole 6 ft deep on cold winter night sinking deeper and deeper.
Would be pretty amazing if I climbed out on my own.
I need life to work. For it to stand up for me and sweep me off to reality. Away from all these one night stands full of day dreams and lost cause. Breathe air into me and fill me with soul. Wake my body up so that it can once again walk on its own.
Umbrellas on rainy days. An after school snack. A comfy couch after a long day. This night has been far too long and tomorrow refuses to come. Stuck in the middle of the road so long that cars have ceased coming and kids play in the yard on the other side.
Foreseen and forgotten. Foretold and unheard. Foreplay of the mind at 3 AM. Some wishes are best left alone. Some dreams are best laid to rest. Some hopes best lost.
Lost in my foot steps across moon lit beach. No longer looking and no longer caring. What I had is now seemingly too far ahead. Crippling my writing as it was written, as I wrote, and as I read.
Maybe I should bow out from my one man show. Close up shop and put the book back on the shelf. Forget this all ever happened. Drink myself drunk and never put words one after another again.
Funny and scary how depression can cripple someone so much. Even when life gets better. The light shines brighter. And the night comes closer to the end.
If I suddenly disappear. Well its been a good run.
“Why is it, do you think, children are always too young to hear the truth, but never too young to be lied to—systematically, conscientiously, in the name of Education?”—Ward Churchill (via myheadisweak)