The Randomness of a Unkept Mind

Sabbatical, metamorphosis, another made up word I can steal from google?  This is one of the strangest periods of my life if not the strangest.  Comparative to that week after my dad died and I had to figure out what was next for me.  Compile a list of places I would probably never go again and kick that part of my life out of my head forever.

That list included my dad’s house (my mom and dad kind of split up a year or two before he died).  The car shop thing he worked at.  And the dragway he raced at on weekends.  Also that part of town where he lived.

This also meant spending most my time at my mom’s (and apparently my brothers apartment).  Also some time at my sisters.  For some reason this time of my life blends in with my sister’s divorce for some odd reason.

On a random note that is why I have a problem with learning Spanish.  When I hear Spanish all I hear is arguments in a language I can’t understand.

Soon after all of this I had to learn how to live with a drunk, etc.  Go thru high school, blah blah.

The current state of my life isn’t as action packed but it really only involves my life for once. And to put it simply.

I don’t know what’s next.

Its a grey area as I travel from one place to the next.

It would be easier if I knew what was happening.  But in under a month (2 weeks?)  Ill be meeting the person Ill be spending the rest of my life with or going completely crazy.  And I don’t know how to handle either of those situations.

Like, the first one.  I know to kiss the girl and stuff and do couple things like more kissing.  But after all the kissing I don’t know what to do.  Are we suppose to buy a house or something.  Rent a horse and ride it to Mexico.  It both baffles and confuses me.

And on the off hand that doesn’t happen (source of so much stress, anxiety, and tears) am I suppose to die, search for a long lost girl, move on with my life?

As far as death goes I picture drowning in a river.  Struggling against the water as in how I struggled against life.  Searching wise I expect to hitchhike down south and go door to door till I turn 30.  And that will mostly like transition to moving on with my life.

Ill probably hitchhike back up to New York or something and become a shiftless hobo.  Maybe play some basketball, eat out of trashcans, write about said stuff.

So the next steps in my life are jumping off a bridge, or packing up and leaving home forever.  If the girl isn’t real that is.

If you can’t feel my level of stress from where you’re sitting right now then you must not have a pulse.

Mind you my greatest fear is that she would disappear around the time we would meet.  Seeing as its been that month leading up to us meeting and I haven’t heard from her at all….

It’s like living your own worst nightmare.

Ive barely been able to live a spec of my life this last year.  And right now I can’t live even that.  To the point if I have to do something I just don’t do it. I only wake up so I can stay up long enough to fall asleep for 12+ hours.  I just try and make days disappear.

Nothing is going to be the same in a few weeks.  Everything will be upside down.  I just don’t know if ill still be standing when that happens.

How the fuck am I suppose to live like this.  I can’t, its not possible.  I cannot hold this mess together for once in my life.  Save me or deliver me to the end.  Wrap me in a box and let the sun set from my eyes.  lay me in water so I shall drift to the next shore and to the next empty hands.

I can’t take this.

I can’t bare this burden.

I can’t breathe.

I know her birthday, eye color, height, favorite book, favorite color, favorite clothes, color of her glasses, greatest dreams, greatest fears, her life up to this point, the state of her family, about her parents divorce, about her sister and her wife and plan for a baby, her other sister who sees someone about a sex addiction, what she sees in me, her wants, her needs, her pleasures, her loves.

There is this person somewhere in the world and they know all that is me and I know all that is them.  And I just can’t seem to find her.

She knows my birthday, my eye color, my size, favorite book, favorite movie, favorite color, favorite teams, favorite sport and why I play it so much, the color of my glasses, my greatest dreams, my greatest fears, my life up this point, the death of my dad, what I went thru more then anyone else, the times my brother would get drunk and throw beer cans at me, the times I would walk away from home late at night, she knows how I love my niece and nephews, she has read every single thing Ive written on here even if it hurts to her heart.

And there is this person somewhere in the world and they know all that is her and know all that is me.  And she just can’t seem to find me.

Its been a crazy 4 years.  I just miss her so much.  I don’t think I can take losing another person in my life.  It can only rain so much and a heart can only break so many times.