I’m still stuck on this thing I wrote and how awesome it is. I really wish more people would of read it when it came out, but no one really did. I love the way it deals with the life of characters, as if were all just people in a book.
Also I’m stuck on the works of DJ Cones (which I been sworn at aggressively on my site for liking). And he released a new mix song thing a few days ago.
Also you tumblr people don’t know this but last night my checking account got like destroyed and it freaked me out to the point I couldn’t sleep and I had to build exorcise bikes in basements. I went to the bank this morning and discovered that gas stations hate debit and love credit (why?) and that they put a $100 hold on my account because I bought $6 in gas… I got that taken care of with a one time courtesy thing from my consumer credit union.
I need to get some sleep. Because I’m tired and because its my drunk brothers day off and I want to avoid him. Mostly because of the drunk brother thing.
I should use tumblr more often for things like this.
These dreams are what the poor tell themselves each night to get by. Stories of rag to riches, just the story isn’t done yet. And every downfall adds to the greater story. Every bit of pain makes the fairytale even better. And every tear will make it so much sweeter.
The greatest started at the bottom they say. Some of our greatest leaders were born in log cabins. Some of our greatest heroes were born into poverty. Great things come from humble beginnings. They never talk about all the people who die trying to achieve greatness. Victims to the pointless challenge.
They sell us fairytales for a price. The cost of seeing reality for what it isn’t. We like to pretend we’re Aladdin running thru streets on the road to bigger better things. Gold coins and pretty princesses. Those coins are made of dirt and princesses don’t exist in this world. Its all a lie, there is no hope for you and me.
No one man should have to look his brother in eye as he starts to cry over bills he can’t pay. No one man should have to pay for things he can’t afford because his family needs gas in the car. No one man should be forced to fall apart at the seems over his family.
Rainbows aren’t real. Hope isn’t real. Love isn’t real. The only truth in life is pain.
My tears won’t make the end any sweeter. My scars won’t make my journey mean more in the end. Hope doesn’t keep you warm at night. And doing the right thing doesn’t put food on the table.
A car slowly rolled up to a lonely person on the side of the road. Headlights glimmering over ice from the cold Michigan winter. The passenger side window rolled down revealing a tear stained face. He didn’t even have to look at her to know. Sadness radiated off her, telling the tale of a pained heart.
“Whatevers going on in your life is better then mine. You’re running from one home to a worse one. My home dirtier then yours. My problems are more horrible then yours. And I am far more hurt then you. You’re better off staying here then going anywhere else.” he said with steadied words of a man who has lost all that he never had.
She hugged herself for warmth “Please, I just want out of here. Death is death and I would like to choose my own”
He pushed open the door open for her “I only plan on going to Hell. Anywhere else is just an accident.”
“Ill go wherever you go. Its not a problem.” and she slid into passenger seat and slammed the door shut. Holding her bag with her arms like her body held her soul.
The lonely man shifted the car into gear and they began to roll ahead. Roll into the darkness. Rolling into the frigid winter. Rolling far away from the past. And with the darkness of the streets crawling around them a conversation started.
Some nights are tough for me. Covered with pains and failures. Compounded by knowing I could do so much more. Knowing you can do something isn’t the same as actually doing it. Trying seems to be the ultimate denominator at this level of life. Physical motion so underrated. Will power only found in a few it seems, the elite.
I want these answers and solutions. I want this end all be all. I want the pain that comes with all the hard work. I want to collapse onto a bed like surface knowing I did all I could. I want to never stop pushing forward in life. To never stop trying.
But I guess my only problem is that I want these things and not need them. I don’t need answers and solutions. I don’t need the end all be all. I don’t need the pain that comes from hard work. I don’t need to collapse on a bed knowing I did all I could. I don’t need to never stop pushing forward in life. I don’t need to never stop trying.
If I really need all of that I would already have accomplished my goals. I would worn out every night from all the work I did during the day. My writing would always be moving forward to bigger levels. I wouldn’t have to scrape the bottom of my checking account for gas money. I would be able to say I truly tried my hardest.
My eyes closed tight as I roll over in bed, pulling my blanket around me warmly. Clinging to the dreams from a night long gone. Grabbing at them to the point I’m purely fantasizing with my eyes closed.
Drifting from fighting a dragon to fighting the sun cutting thru my curtains. Curling up for warmth trying to grip onto sleep like a climber from a ledge. Holding on for the life of the ones that exist in my head.
Pushing and turning around my bed. Day dreaming face down in a pillow. Dreaming of the days I had you face down against a pillow. My body settles and the vision in my head clears as I drift back into sleep. I can hear you moaning now and screaming out my name.
And then someone knocks on my door forcing me out of my own personal dreamland. Taking me from you, taking me from the sleepiness warmth. Well, what a way to start the day.
Do you hear my screams piercing the merciless night. Can you feel my pain infecting you. You know full well what I’m doing as I bleed over the floor around me. You know what I’m doing. Yet all you can do is listen to my screams. Hear my pain and the drip drip of my blood.
Why don’t you ever help me. Don’t you see the scars each morning. Or do you just ignore them like my screams. I burn slowly on your watch. I burn right in front of you crying out in agony. Blinded by my own pain.
My soul burns low. Not much life less in me. Yet I still scream in pain. And now I start to scream out your name. I pound on the wall separating us. Crying out for your help. Demanding your help in a fit of incredible pain.
I can see your shadow as you stand outside my door not knowing what to do. And I scream out your name. It burns, it burns me so much. This unbearable pain beyond my own concept. And I fall to my knees and beg as your shadow disappears from my doorway. Leaving me to my end.
Life is short, life is slow. It comes too fast but takes too long to get here. Like a package sitting right outside your backdoor. Everything you ever wanted in a brown box you never ordered, never asked for.
Life is a journey on its way to you. You’re the destination point of this adventure. Can you wait long enough for it to get here. Can you wait for Christmas morning to open up your gift of life.
As you cut the tape covering the openings and unwrap your oddly shaped box. Do you feel those things growing in your heart, in your mind? The sense of dread, as it may not be what you expected. The thumping expectation in your chest, as it may be everything and more then what you wanted.
And as your fingers creep around the edge of the package. Know one thing and one thing only. It may not be what you wanted, but it will be everything you need.
There was once a Unicorn with a heart 3x bigger then the rest. This Unicorn’s love knew no bounds for it loved everybody on earth. And it especially loved you the most. And it loved you for who you really were.
This Unicorn traveled far and wide loving everyone it met and everyone it saw. It even left gifts behind when it was particularly happy. Rainbows across the sky for everyone to see far and wide.
Even though the Unicorn loved everyone, some didn’t love it back. Some hated the Unicorn because of how much love it had for everyone. It made them angry seeing everyone loved so much.
They hated the Unicorn so much that they decided to do something about it. They followed the Unicorn everywhere it went. And every time it stopped to love someone they would yell about how much they hated the Unicorn. Driving the Unicorn away from the ones it loved.
When the Unicorn could no longer take being hated it began to cry. The Unicorn cried and cried. It cried till it began to rain. And the whole time the people still told the Unicorn how much they hated it.
And when the rain finally stopped the Unicorn had disappeared. No rainbow appeared in the sky, no rainbows ever appeared in the sky again. And the people that hated the Unicorn could no longer find it. And no one that loved the Unicorn could find it. The Unicorn was gone forever.
I’m going to runaway from you. Runaway from all the pain you caused me. The endless late hours of suffering forced upon me by you. I will escape your grasp one way or another. The clutches of love burn heavy across my skin. Leaving marks that will never disappear.
A trail of blood follows me from where I left you. Leading you back to me. But I run faster still, from you to me. Leaving you in my memories. In a place you can only reach me from my dreams. Phantom cuts across my arms in the morning because of you.
I regret nothing as the scars heal. The dreams become less with each night. I look in the mirror and no longer see you next to me. The screams of terror grow quiet now. Life no longer becomes a pain to live. I smile when I wake up now. I miss nothing of my past.
I want another life. To live in the day and to dance under the sun. Letting the sunlight warm me up from my arms to my chest. Letting my spirit grow out to my fingertips. Dance along hilltops and dance in my dreams. And I shall dance into the heart of life.
Make me forget the night. Make me forget the pain. Make me forget the late hours spent not dancing. Sitting in the darkness away from you. Talking to strangers who turned into walls at sunrise. A consensual drunkenness of thought. Hurt to much and driven to reality. Empty glasses filled with all my problems.
But now I smile falsely in the sun. I let the glimmer of day hide all my pain. Like band-aids over my broken bones. For a bit I can pretend everything is alright. And maybe even forget all those nights I cried. Hopefully I won’t forget you.
Trapped in this way of false happiness. Painted on smiles and taped up hearts. When I bled I at least knew it was worth it. Now I hide from the truth, hide from it under the heat of the sun. I no longer want to hide from you.
As I slip back into the darkness I wonder if its worth it. As days pass by like years I wonder even more. Is this pain really worth it. Or must I see past the blood in my eyes to what’s really worth it. I’m not here for the pain, but for what causes it. Such a beautiful knife that cuts me deep.
A world without you doesn’t exist. It has no name, nor has one ever been thought of before. It lays outside of reality, all of the realities. This place may reside somewhere within the all-purpose equation of life, but I doubt it. Its existence is incomprehensible.
So why does a world with you and me seem so impossible. My hand and yours more of a fantasy then a memory. Yours eyes to mine never happening. But in the reality where you and I exist these possibilities should too. The math doesn’t want to add up. Numbers don’t want to carry over. My dreams do not compute. My thoughts don’t match up with what I know, with what I see.
Maybe I reside in a false reality. Where we actually exist we don’t. The thumping of our hearts and the pulsing of our veins are only words on a page. Written slowly by an ever so lonely person. Our souls only existing in the dreams of another. breathing thru another’s fantasies.
Reach your hand across the drying ink to mine. Let us exist for a brief moment before we disappear. Because as soon as we are written we are forgotten. Live a lifetime in these brief seconds. Far too short of an existence to love, but please try. Try to feel as I do, feel what has grown inside of me all this time. I love you more then my own life, as short as it is.
Hopefully someday after we’re dead and gone someone new will pick up our story. Maybe they’ll revive our thoughts and feelings. And maybe again you’ll reach your hand to mine across the words on this page.
“I don’t like anything about Drake. I don’t like his fucking voice. I don’t like the stuff he talks about. I don’t like his face. I don’t like the way he walks. Like, nothing. I don’t like his haircut. I might just..let me shutup. Let me stop right there.”—DMX (via newdeezy)
Cold nights with starry skies and transparent clouds drifting along. Air so crisp that breath floats out. Leaving a trail in front of you of where you should go.
Put one foot after the last and we are on our way. Heaven a flow over the Earth dripping down upon us. Leaving puddles of purity along the roads for us to see to find our way home.
And the soul pounds the cement following one of the many sky lit paths. Shining bright overhead every twenty paces or so. Raindrops from another world like sunshine for us.
We walk far and wide following Heaven’s lights. Some things remain the same while others change. But air still floats from my mouth thru the cold crisp night. Stars still shine bright up high. And Heaven still drops down across the roads. Leaving a trail of purity guiding me along.
What is a place that shines like streetlights but has too many that they fall from the sky down to us?
She cut my heart out and laid it on the table in front of me. She showed me the map that led her here as my heart beat before my eyes. Her path dripped in blood across my heart like a fresh tattoo.
Blood dripping across the table top in lines from there to here. Showing the journey she took to me. Each turn and twist. Leading up to this moment.
A particularly large blotch on the day she first met me. A smile and a wink and she was on her way. Knowing well where she was going. Leaving me blind in this hunt.
Next along the line of my dribbling blood was the day she met me for lunch. A never ending pair of legs with a constant smile. How did she love all the things I loved so much.
Where had she been all my life.
Her fingers trail across my blood, slowly making there way to my heart. Tip toeing across lungs pushing the air right out of me. Having her way with my life.
Then her hand gripped around my bleeding heart as it lay lifeless on the table. She picked it up with a smile and said “It was fun”. She put it in her bag and was gone just like that. Right out the door before it was even over.
Now I lay here without a heart and a hole in my chest where it used to be. The blood drying on the table as my lungs constrict. Life is gone as the blood drips from me. Taken by someone with the most beautiful smile.
Sunsets and raindrops. Pattered tears and smudged faces.
All the stories have concluded. All the truths have come out with the light from the doors that burst open. Shining over the mess that was so well hidden all these years. Showcasing my failure for you to see. Weaknesses at full view for you.
Night setting in slowly and the rain falls harder now. With each flash of lightning my scars glimmer. With each pounding thump of thunder my memories crash down around me. Can’t you see me for who I really am?
The blood mixes with the wetness. The pain blending with the sadness. Dreams forcing there way into memories. The moon shines bright as the tears mix with kisses. As one reality meets another. For both are the same and only reside in different places.
Do you exist in the memories or my dreams? Are you even real? Are you as wet as me in this storm. Does the night air chill you to the bone like it does to me. Can you see my breath as my soul floats away?
My eyes close tight as the rain falls. Darkness crowds and the coldness creeps around me. I don’t want you to forget my mistakes. I only wonder if you will remember me. I don’t know what to say anymore. I miss you. I miss you so much. I just want to love you. I’m sorry.