Life from behind your headphones. A life that dulls the sounds and feelings around you. A gentle hand on the volume turning down the colors.
“After school she ran to me. Jumped in my 5.0. It is the home of the brave and the land of the free, but your parents still didn’t know.”
Let the music fill your ears and seep into your brain. Let the beats and notes put you on cruise control. Sink deeper into the seat and let the journey begin.
“I could tell you whatever you wanted to hear but if I just said Hello would you listen to me?”
The world becomes a more peaceful place. The family fights in the background disappear with each line. And your troubles dispense when filled with someone elses. Walk into the shadows and breathe.
“I want to scream so loud for you. Because I’m so proud of you. And let me talk about what I’m about to do, Hey Mama.”
Now let the light envelop it all. Let the sun shine down and open your eyes for the first time. Look at the world around you, so full of beautiful places and people. Each one loving the next.
“Feels like I’m running on walls and I don’t want to touch the ground. And if they say I’m lost then I don’t want to be found.”
Music takes me to a different place, a new place, a better place. Where we freely talk about our mistakes and problems. We let everyone know about every little wrong thing we’ve done. Purposely living in a glass house and loving it.
“Ive been so low I can feel the gravity in the world around me. Ive been so low I can feel the fire as it swirls around me. And Ive been so low that it felt ice cold like was at the bottom of the sea.”
My soul repairs itself thru these stories and songs. Music playing thru my headphones letting me know everything is going to be alright. Letting me know people have been here before me. Letting me know I can get thru all my own problems. Letting me know its all going to be ok.
Remember last week when everyone was like “Fuck SOPA” and Wikipedia shut down? Yeah, well this week the US Congress is proud to bring you…..ACTA! But what does ACTA stand for? Does it stand for “Anti-Corporate Tyranny Act”? No. Does it stand for “Adorable Cat Top hat Association”? Nope,…
I want to touch the sky. Dance along the clouds and fall into my dreams. And one day I’ll stare up at the stars and say “You were always mine.”
Resting on clouds that are soft like unicorn manes that taste like rainbow flavored skittles. Pure awesome that you feel, you can touch it. And I love running my hands thru it.
Laying high up in the sky. Letting life live me for a bit. Eating cotton candy by the handful on my cloud. A nice big smile on my face outlined by some blueberry puffs.
And when I close my eyes it all goes dark slowly. The stars in front of me disappear and moon goes dormant. Night sky all black, clouds all gone. Wind rushing around me as I fall.
Eyes closed tight and all I see is the world falling apart around me. Skittles turn to rain and unicorns turn to not unicorns. Sun shining bright above me setting fire to my skin. All while I’m still plummeting to earth.
Then I fall thru my roof without a sound and land without movement on my bed. Eyes closed tight with my head on pillows and a spilled bag of candy on the table next to me. Fan still spinning round and round blowing cold air at my face.
It was all just a dream. A dream that was almost mine. A dream that I refuse to forget anytime soon.
What can I do to overcome? What action must I take to climb out of this pit? These are the questions I’m currently asking myself at 6:33 AM. Is there something I can do differently that I haven’t already tried in the last 4 years?
Ive tried school, Ive tried work, Ive even tried play. And after all of those I end up right back in front of my wall with the lights off. Talking to myself wondering if anyone can hear me.
I sleep till i can no longer sleep and stay awake till my body gives and falls into my bed. I live in a dreamless world. One stacked with a reality I can’t escape, no matter how much I sleep.
Free me from this place. Take it from me so I shall never possess it again. These shoes can take me no further. There soles are worn thin and then next step I take will completely ruin them.
Walking forward with bare feet. Letting every glass shard and broken rock cut deeply into my skin. A trail of blood follows me wherever I may go. My soul dripping from me because my lack of sole.
Walk with me as I take each step. For each step costs a small part of me. And by the end of this journey it will all add up with more blood on the ground then within me. With more soul splattered across the earth then kept inside me. A slow death with no avoidance. Taking each step knowing what will happen in the end.
I’m waiting on a bench in front of the bus depot late at night. The moonlight reflects off the wet pavement like christmas lights or the headlights of oncoming traffic. I have a bag on the seat next to me, packed full of my self worth. Not surprising, its very light.
One last bus out of this place. One last chance to runaway from ever shrinking space. Sometimes life is too much, corners are too dark. Running from the shadows that creep more and more as the day goes on. Until they cover everything by 10 PM. But most nights the moon shines and lets me know that even at its darkest, I can still have hope.
I hope this is the right decision. It scares me beyond reason, making my heart beat twice as fast as it should. Do I leave, do I stay. Do I stand, do I run. Not that my life doesn’t have worth, but where my worth may lie. Where am I suppose to be.
And the bus pulls up and the door opens. Am I staying or am I going. Is it fear or intelligence that guides me. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong anymore. Even if I’m broken I should be able to do whats right. But which way is up?
Been wasting so much time trying to make this decision. Days, months, years all spent trying to figure if I go or I stay. Maybe I’m being patient. Maybe I’m being stubborn. All time spent trying to make a decision. As I look up at the door, I wonder if it will be made for me.
Cold winter nights when the rain falls down over the pavement. You can hear the slow smooth drizzle of Drops and Drips on the cement. I like to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, a change of pace from staring at the wall. My mind drifts from basketball to a girl I know to that half dream I had last morning.
Physically, medically, my body just isn’t right these days. Mentally, psychologically, I’m not thinking right. I miss basketball so much right now. My left leg can be strained and my thumb can be sore but I can still play. My mind can be upside down and inside out but I can still make decisions.
The dribble hand switch twitch decisions come with ease. The feet fakes paired with my shoulder turns get me an inch of room. Shoulders dropped low as I dribble, lift them up slightly to get the defender to pause. Then make a cut to the opening for another inch of room. Pump fake once and let him jump from too far away. Raise the ball up as he falls and shoot over him, swish.
My mind sees the moves as they happen and reacts easily to them. All I have to think about is getting the ball into the hoop. At a certain point the person I’m playing against disappears and I’m just playing basketball against the hoop. Jab step to the right, throw the ball back from right to left take three running steps to the left and jump high throwing my off leg in front of me. Releasing the ball high into the air and watching it float as I fall. Spinning more times then it should before it finally falls perfectly into the hoop, swish.
My life can/has/will fall apart around me. It clouds my mind and cripples my actions. My inward pain reaches out and hurts me outwardly. Like a hand reaching from my heart and grabbing my throat. One day its family dying, the next its the power going out, then its that girl I know disappearing from my life for awhile.
Then the ball bounces and my mind slowly clears. The fog thins out and the pages turn blank. Dribble once, dribble twice. Lean right and take a strong dribble left before crossing over to the right hard. Driving with my shoulders low and I’m halfway to the hoop when I throw up my shoulders fast and hesitate for a split second. Then throw my shoulders down twice as fast and pound the ball to the hoop for a finger roll.
From the window it would seem as I’m playing basketball alone. It only seems that way because only I can see my demons. One to my left and one to my right, each in defensive positions. They lurch at the ball as I bite my dribble back to protect it. And as quickly as I protect my dribble I turn my shoulder down and in and cut in between them. Forcing myself face to face with a 10 foot shadow and now I instantly turn back to the defenders behind me cutting back thru them. And for a second time I turn back and cut thru the two defenders throwing the ball between my legs from behind to protect it. Then as quickly as I came back I’m already gone again, spinning past the 10 foot shadow as the ball bounces thru my legs again. Cutting to the hoop going to the left for a layup. Shoulder faking the last defender as I drive underneath the hoop going baseline for a reverse spinning layup on the right side.
Hours and hours playing my nightmares in basketball. Soon its dark out and my legs, my body, refuse to push forward. I crumple to a heap 20 feet from the basket. Glaring at my real opponent. The hoop the rim. The net flowing gently in the breeze. Pure representations of the death, the love, the forgotten. No matter how many endless hours I throw my body at it the hoop still stands strong waiting for what else I got left. While my body crumbles under the strain.
I’m only fighting shadows and representations. Because life has thrown me problems I cannot solve. I can’t deal with my troubles. Only with there reflections in the water. Maybe if I try hard enough all my effort against the shadows will carry over into the real world. The pain will disappear around me with each made shot. The wounds will heal with each finger roll that falls in. And my mind will heal itself from all the trauma when the last shot goes swish.